I am in the middle of a cemetery.
Sure, it's a park There are wide open spaces covered with grass. There are trees lining the wide streets. The place is well lighted even at night. I have a cozy space with a loft, a fridge and a bathroom. Still, it's a memorial park; a cemetery.
Places like this make me think of my own death. When will it happen? How will I go? Who will be there for me?
Two nights ago, I was at a friend's wake. The priest officiating the mass talked about a fear that comes to all of us. This was about our fear of the unknown. He mentioned that many of us at the end of our lives cling to it because we don't know what happens after we die So we wish to stay in this world that is familiar to us.
The priest that anointed my mother also said something similar He said our mind keeps on fighting even as our body can no longer go on. We want to think that we continue with life but the flesh has already given up
My mother died fighting for life She tried to gulp the air. She tried to respond to our pleas.
Yet there will always be an end to this life
Being At A Wake
For someone bordering on necrophobia, this is really a challenge for me.
I am at my mother's wake in the middle of a memorial park. The worst of it is that I might have to stay here aone tonight.
Good God, I can't even look down into the coffin.
Let me describe the place. The coffin is the first thing you will see when you enter the door. The benches and the comfort room are further into the small room which is about30 square meters I think.
There is a loft where the family could rest. My problem with this is that the loft is above the benches. Looking over th short wall, you see the whole coffin
So I won't look down.
I am at my mother's wake in the middle of a memorial park. The worst of it is that I might have to stay here aone tonight.
Good God, I can't even look down into the coffin.
Let me describe the place. The coffin is the first thing you will see when you enter the door. The benches and the comfort room are further into the small room which is about30 square meters I think.
There is a loft where the family could rest. My problem with this is that the loft is above the benches. Looking over th short wall, you see the whole coffin
So I won't look down.
Death in the Family
My mother died yesterday at around 1:30 in the afternoon. We rushed her to the hospital but she was pronounced dead on arrival. The emergency room staff tried to revive her but it was useless.
She had been dying for some tim. She fell and knocked her head a couple of weeks ago. But that only speeded up the deterioration. It was actually the diabetes that was getting her. She had been refusing to see a doctor other than her last one who retired. She passed away two weeks short of her 83rd birthday.
Since last year I had been bargaining with God to keep her with us until 2015. The reason was practical rather than emotional or spiritual. I was saving up for a nice plot in a memorial park where we would bury her and move my father By then too, my brother would be back here after he gets his master's degree from Yale and my sister's kids would both be graduating from college. She would die happy and we would be more prepared.
God answered me with a question. Was I willing to take care of her for that long a time? I was also looking for somebody to take care of her on a full time basis. My excuse was that I needed to keep working t support her needs and mine. The real answer was no because I was wrestling with issues between the two of us A recent retreat in Antipolo helped me face that and I have resolved it to myself three weeks ago.
On the morning she died, my cousin was still here. She was supposed to leave early while my sister had some things to do so they were supposed to wake me up early to stay by her side. Neither of them did what they were supposed to. Mama was breathing hard. They had placed her on the rocking chair to raise her head. My sister was beginning to cry,
My sister eventually went out to get some medicine and look for a priest. She came back with the medicine and the priest Mama received the anointing of the sick and I was actually answering for her. It was actually at that point that I had decided to give her up.
While we were watching her, I noticed her hands and feet were cold. I looked and noticed her fingers were a bit blue. We tried massaging her arms and legs but it was really no use. The digits were still cold.
Her breathing was getting shallower. Her mouth was open We tried our best to keep her awake but she was slipping. Until we went to the hospital, we exerted all efforts. As the priest said, her mind will want to stay alive even as her body gives up.
I am at peace. I don't know if and when I will cry but I know I can go on
Thank you Mama and thank you God
She had been dying for some tim. She fell and knocked her head a couple of weeks ago. But that only speeded up the deterioration. It was actually the diabetes that was getting her. She had been refusing to see a doctor other than her last one who retired. She passed away two weeks short of her 83rd birthday.
Since last year I had been bargaining with God to keep her with us until 2015. The reason was practical rather than emotional or spiritual. I was saving up for a nice plot in a memorial park where we would bury her and move my father By then too, my brother would be back here after he gets his master's degree from Yale and my sister's kids would both be graduating from college. She would die happy and we would be more prepared.
God answered me with a question. Was I willing to take care of her for that long a time? I was also looking for somebody to take care of her on a full time basis. My excuse was that I needed to keep working t support her needs and mine. The real answer was no because I was wrestling with issues between the two of us A recent retreat in Antipolo helped me face that and I have resolved it to myself three weeks ago.
On the morning she died, my cousin was still here. She was supposed to leave early while my sister had some things to do so they were supposed to wake me up early to stay by her side. Neither of them did what they were supposed to. Mama was breathing hard. They had placed her on the rocking chair to raise her head. My sister was beginning to cry,
My sister eventually went out to get some medicine and look for a priest. She came back with the medicine and the priest Mama received the anointing of the sick and I was actually answering for her. It was actually at that point that I had decided to give her up.
While we were watching her, I noticed her hands and feet were cold. I looked and noticed her fingers were a bit blue. We tried massaging her arms and legs but it was really no use. The digits were still cold.
Her breathing was getting shallower. Her mouth was open We tried our best to keep her awake but she was slipping. Until we went to the hospital, we exerted all efforts. As the priest said, her mind will want to stay alive even as her body gives up.
I am at peace. I don't know if and when I will cry but I know I can go on
Thank you Mama and thank you God
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)